Inside I'm Screaming
by Sonic Snake
Summary: Inspired by Stratikeo's excellent Metal Gear Solid: Snake is EATEN


Inside I'm Screaming!

**Virtual Mission**

**Somewhere in the skies over Russia **

Major Zero: OK, Snake, we're somewhere over Russia now.

Snake: And your point?

Zero: We are about to start the Virtuous Mission.

Snake: Oooohhhhh. Huh?

Zero: I'll tell you when you get down on the ground.

Snake: Right right, wait did you say ground?!?!?

Zero: -takes out a tape recorder, presses PLAY-

Tape Recorder: I'll tell you when you get down on the ground.

Zero: -presses STOP, puts tape recorder away-

Snake: How high up are we?

Zero: About 20,000 feet, why?

Snake: Gulp!

Zero: 5 minutes to drop point.

Snake: Major, what does Virtuous mean?

Zero: 4 minutes to drop point.

Snake: Good, wait DROP POINT?!?!?

**4 Minutes later...**

Zero: OK, Snake, you're about to perform the world's first HALO jump!

How do you feel?

Snake: Scared.

Zero: Good, get ready!

-lights turn green, alarm sounds-

Zero: 3…2..1.Jump!

Snake: -not jumping-

Zero: Snake?

Snake: Major, I'm scared of heights.

Zero: Sigh! -gets out his little finger, tips Snake on the back-

Snake: Woooowwaaagggghhhaaaaaagghhhhh!!! –grabs plane door-

Zero: Hrrrmmmm. –tickles Snake's fingers-

Snake: Heehheehehheeeehooohahahahahahahahaheee, stop it! You're

Tickling me! Hahahahahahaha! –hand slips-

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Radio / Major Zero

Zero: Snake. Are you OK?

Snake: HEEEEEELLLLLLLPPPPPP MMMEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Zero: Snake, listen! When you're low enough, pull your parachute.

Snake: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!

Zero: SNAKE! PULL THE PARACHUTE OR YOU GO SPLAT!

Snake: I don't wanna die! I better pull the parachute! –pulls parachute-

Zero: Snake? Good you pulled the parachute!

[Radio off

Snake: Wheeeeeeeee! I should do this more often!

Zero: Steer towards those cliffs, land there. Waitaminute! He turned off the radio!

**Dremuchij South**

Snake: I'll land there on those cliffs. Wheeeee! -gets stuck on a tree-

Oh great! HELP HELP! I'M STUCK!

[Radio / Major Zero

Zero: Snake, just remain calm! Don't panic.

Snake: I CAN'T STAY CALM! I AM PANICKING! HELP!! I'M STUCK!!

Zero: Shut up for a minute will you?

Snake: -shuts up-

Zero: You have been equipped with an infinitely bottomless bag that

is small on the….just take the knife out of the bag.

Snake: -takes out knife- Done!

Zero: Now cut the tree.

Snake: WHAT?!? Why? What has this tree ever done to you?

Zero: Shut up! Cut it! Or do you want to do your post-landing briefing

hanging from a tree branch?

Snake: Briefing.

Zero: OK, Snake. I'm not the only one on your support team.

Snake: How very interesting!

Zero: Snake, this is Para-medic.

Snake: Para…..medic? What's that?

Zero: She's not a thing! She's the one monitoring your

health throughout the mission.

Snake: I see, so she's kind of like a doctor or

something, wait! Did you say SHE?!?!?

Zero: Yes I did Snake! Yes I did!

Para-medic: You got a problem with that?

Snake: No, no, not at all!

Para-medic: Say, Snake? What's your real name?

Snake: John Doe.

Para-medic: And they call you Jack?

Snake: Yes.

Para-medic: You're a typical Captain Nemo, you are!

Snake: OK then smart-head! What's _your _name?

Para-medic: Jane Doe.

Snake: Grrrrrrrrr.

Para-medic: What?

Snake: Very funny.

Para-medic: You really want to know what my name is.

Snake: Yes. Yes I do.

Para-medic: I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours!

Snake: Grrr. OK, I'll tell you.

Para-medic: Good.

Snake: If you answer this simple question!

Para-medic: Go on…

Snake: Is Zero with you?

Zero: Yes I am Snake! Thank you for asking.

Snake: Wrong answer.

Para-medic: Damn.

Zero: Oh, and Snake? Never call me Zero again!

Snake: Yes sir.

Zero: Snake, meet your next mission advisor. I think you know her.

The Boss: Hello Snake. So we meet again,

Snake: Oh, hi Boss.

The Boss: Snake, try to remember some of the basics of CQC.

Snake: What-Q-What?

The Boss: C-Q-C. Close Quarters Combat! Sheesh! Can you honestly not

remember?

Snake: No.

The Boss: It's a fighting style, like judo.

Snake: Oh, C-_Q_-C!

The Boss: OK Snake. Go!

Snake: Major?

Zero: Yes, Snake?

Snake: Can I change the name of the mission?

Zero: What did you have in mind?

Snake: Virtuous Mission sounds stupid, how about Virtual Mission?

Zero: Fine.

Snake: OK then. Commencing Virtual Mission.

**Dremuchij Swampland**

Snake: Man, this is boring!

[Radio / Major Zero

Zero: Snake! Stop right there!

Snake: What?

Zero: That's a swamp!

Snake: What do you want? A cookie? I know what a swamp is!

Zero: OK just be careful. If you stand too long in it…

Para-medic: You'll drown!

Snake: Yeah yeah yeah!

[Radio off

Snake: Ok stay calm. –sees an Indian Gavial- AAARRRRRRGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MOOOOOOOOOONNSTEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-runs past the swamp-

**Dremuchij North**

Snake: Now let's see… - takes out binoculars- Hmmm. It's a guy!

Maybe…..

[Radio / Major Zero

Zero: Snake, I am sorry but I forgot to tell you two things.

Snake: Yes?

Zero: First of all I forgot to tell you what you have to do.

Snake: Come to think of it, you did forget!

Zero: You're trying to rescue a scientist guy called Sokolov. He should be being

held in an old abandoned factory type place.

Snake: And the second thing?

Zero: For good luck, I am changing my codename. Call me Major Tom!

Snake: Why?

Tom: I'll tell you why when you complete the mission.

Snake: OK fine then. Um, Major?

Tom: Yes, Snake?

Snake: There's a sentry in the way and there's probably more up ahead!

Tom: Snake? Use CQC, tranquilize them with your Mk22 or sneak past them by

Hiding and using camouflage! Remember this is a sneaking mission.

You can't be seen!

Snake: I see… Hold on, I can't be seen? OK then…-walks over to the guard-

Tom: Errr Snake? What are you doing?

Snake: Using CQC. Ahem. -taps guard on the shoulder-

[Radio off

Guard: Yes?

Snake: Where is Sokolov being held?

Guard: In an abandoned factory is Rassvet. It's just up the trail there.

-points up the path-

Snake: Thank you. HAAAAYYAH!! –CQCs the guard-

Guard: You….. -faints-

Snake: -sees another guard- Didn't Major Tom say something about me having a

Mk22? –takes it out of his bag, shoots the guard-

Guard: -sees guard sleeping- Huh? What's wrong?

Snake: And CAMOUFLAGE! -puts on bright orange camouflage-

Guard: Huh? **(RED !) **An intruder!

Snake: No, no. You can't see me!

Guard: Huh? What are you talking about? I can see you as clear as…. Crystal.

Snake: That's impossible! Just give me a sec.

[Radio / Major Tom

Tom: Yes, Snake?

Snake: I thought you said I can't be seen!

Tom: Your reason being?

Snake: This guard can see me!

Tom: You _are _using camouflage aren't you?

Snake: Yes. I put on bright orange camouflage and hid by a tree!

Tom: Sigh! Snake, I didn't mean you can't be seen as in "invisible" I meant

you can't be seen as in "avoid being seen", idiot!

Snake: Oh, _now_ I get it!

Tom: Good.

[Radio off

Snake: Say can we just forget this whole thing ever happened?

Just between you and me?

Guard: Umm let me think…

Other guard: -wakes up- Yaaaawwwnn!!! Hey what's going on?

Guard: Okay! -shakes hands with Snake-

Snake: Good! –shakes hands with guard- See ya!

Guard: See you too! What a nice guy!

Other Guard: Was that an intruder?

Guard: Yeah, he was cool though.

Other Guard: OK, whatever you say!

**Dolinovodno**

Snake: Hey look a bridge! -walks over to it-

Guard: Freeze!

Snake: -freezes- I like this game! Fall down that cliff!

Guard: OK. -goes to move over the edge of the cliff- NO! You're not fooling me!

Snake: OK, OK so I undersmarted you, big deal!

Guard: Undersmarted? That's not even a word!

Snake's stomach: Growwwl.

Snake: I'm hungry! Do you have any food?

Guard: Uhhh, no but I bet there's honey in that hornet's nest!

Snake: Oh goody! -climbs up tree- I can taste that sweet, sweet honey!

[Radio / Para-medic

Para-medic: SNAKE! STOP!

Snake: -in the middle of reaching for the hornet's nest- What?

Para-medic: That nest probably has hornets in it!

Snake: AAARRGGHH!! -throws it at the guard-

Guard: AAAAAAUUUURRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!! ITS' SO

PAAAIIIINNNFUUULLLLL!!!!!!! HEEELLLPPPP!!!! AAARRGGHH!!!

Snake: Oopsie.

Guard: OOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Snake: -shoots out the bridge's support ropes- Heeheehee!

Guard on far side of bridge: Hm? What's that shouting?

–sees guard with hornet's nest on his head-

Oh no! GUYS!! FOLLOW ME!!

Guards: -run across bridge, start falling off sides- WAAAA!! AAAAARGH!!

Snake: Heehee! Look at those excellent bridge physics!

Para-medic: Oh my God, Snake, what have you done?!?!?

Snake: Uuuh, made my mission easier?

Para-medic: NO! YOU'VE KILLED SEVERAL GUARDS!!

Snake: Oh. That.

Guard with hornet's nest on head: Blerg! -dies, lies in middle of bridge-

Para-medic: …….

[Radio off

Snake: -walks across bridge, slips- WOW! -grabs branch- Hey hey!

-climbs onto branch- Hey an item box! (XM16E1) Cool!

-shimmies around cliff back to path, runs to Rassvet-

**Rassvet**

Snake: I take it this is Rassvet.

Guard 1: I thought I heard screaming.

Guard 2: Probably Sokolov.

Guard 1: Yeah.

Snake: -looks down- M-m-m-mmm –trying not to scream-

[Radio / Major Tom

Tom: Snake? Snake?

Snake: Y-y-yes M-M-Major?

Tom: Snake? You alright?

Snake: There's…..a….s-s-s-snake….on…my….foot….and…i-i-i-it's scaring me!

Tom: Now come on Snake! Your codename's Snake and you're scared of one?!?

Para-medic: What kind of snake is it Snake?

Snake: D-d-dunno….OH NO!

Para-medic: Snake? Are you OK?

Snake: It's crawling up my pants' leg!!!

Para-medic: Don't worry! Describe the snake.

Snake: It's scaly, scary, slimy, brown scaled with a diamond pattern, probably

venomous.

Para-medic: That's a Reticulated Python! They're a non-venomous snake,

Snake!

Snake: I….guess….that's….good….it's….still….scary……though.

Para-medic: Just tranquilize it with your Mk22.

Snake: Can't….

Para-medic: Why not?

Snake: Paralyzed….with….fear. GOOD GOD NO!!!

Para-medic: SNAKE??!?!??!! What's wrong Snake??!?!!?

Snake: It's sticking it's head out of my COAT!!! It's looking at me!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Guards 1+2: Huh? Screaming? -spot Snake-

Snake: HEEEELLLLLPPPPPP MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

Guard 1: We gotta help him!

Snake: -throws the snake at the guards-

Guards 1+2: AAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!! HEEEEELLLPPP USSSSS!!!

Guards 3-6: What was that? -investigates, spots Guards 1+2-

Guards 1+2: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!! -runs towards Guards 3-6 and the

barrel they're standing by-

Guards 3-6: Huh? WAIT NOOOOO!!!!

BBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sokolov: What was that?

Snake: Cool.

Para-medic: COOL?!?!? THAT'S ALL YOU CAN SAY AFTER YOU KILLED

SEVERAL MORE INNOCENT GUARDS?!?!?!?!? COOL?!?!?!

Snake: Yeah. Now to find Sokolov!

[Radio off

Snake: I think this is the room Sokolov's being kept in. -tries door-

Door: -creaks open-

Snake: Not locked? Good! -opens door-

Sokolov: Who are you? Are you with _them_?

Snake: I'm not an enemy. I'm here to save you!

Sokolov: Then are you with………………………..Volgin?

Snake: What's a Volgin?

Sokolov: Long story short; He's an evil guy that's against Russia's current leader.

Snake: We gotta get you outta here!

Both: -go outside-

??????: Well, well, well! Look what the cat dragged in!

Snake: Cat? Aawwwww! Where's the kitty?

??????: Ahem! –twirling a Makarov-

Snake: Oh yeah, who are you? -adopts CQC stance-

??????: Are you The Boss?

Snake: No, but I'm her apprentice!

??????: The Boss is a she??!?!!??!?!?

Snake: Yeeeaahhh! What's it to you?

Sokolov: AAAAARRRGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!! -runs away-

??????: RRAAAAWWWWRRRR!!!!

Soldiers: -appear-

??????: Now my pretties, ATTACK!!!!

Soldiers: -attack each other-

??????: Huh? I guess if you want something done, you gotta do it yourself.

-aims at Snake, shoots, misses 7 more times-

Snake: You know, the way you hold the gun sideways and bend your arm to

absorb the recoil is pretty smart but that's a revolver technique.

??????: So?

Snake: -walks over to him-

??????: Stay back!

Snake: -flicks his nose-

??????: Nnnnnggggn!!! -rubs his nose- That's mean! -runs away-

Snake: That was easy!

[Radio / Major Tom

Tom: You're supposed to be protecting Sokolov! Where is he?

Snake: Uuuuhhh… -runs-

[Radio off

**Dolinovodno**

Snake: Sokolov! We gotta go!

Sokolov: Yay! I'll get to see my family again!

Snake: Come on, let's go over this bri… -sees the hornet nest Guard- ..wait here.

Sokolov: OK.

Snake: -walks across the bridge-

???????: Muahahahahahahahaha! Hello, Snake!

Snake: Who's there?

???????: -comes out of the shadows-

Snake: Boss?!?

The Boss: That's right! -kicks guard off bridge-

Snake: I'd hate to be him…

The Boss: -drops two metal boxes-

Bridge: -shakes and wobbles extremely due to Snake shooting out the ropes-

Snake: WAAAAHHHAAHAHAA

Sokolov: -like a girl- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Boss and Snake: Shut up!

Snake: What's in the boxes?

The Boss: Nukes.

Snake: NUKES?!?!?

The Boss: Yes, for my new hosts!

Snake: New hosts?

The Boss: That's right! I'm defecting to Russia!

Snake: Awwwww whyyyy?

The Boss: Just because.

Snake: -sees a helicopter- Oooh!

Helicopter: -hovers by bridge-

The Boss: Say hello to my friends.

Snakeman: We get to fight together again, Boss!

Beeman: I've waited a really long time for this…

Oldman: Good to see you again… -eyes bulge out- ….boss.

Fireman: _I haaaave_ FURY TOOTHPASTE!! –squirts Beeman with toothpaste-

Beeman: Stop that.

The Boss: We WILL fight again!! –notices it started raining blooooood!-

Is he crying?

Snake: Who? -sees a crying ghost behind The Boss- Oh.

Ghost: Waaaaaaahahhaaaaaahaaaaa. Booooooohoooooooooo waaaaahaha!!!

The Boss: Huh? Wha? -stopped raining-

??????: Kuwabara….KUWABARA….KUUUUUWWAAAABAAAARRAAAA!!!!!!

The Boss: Who? Oh, hi Volgin.

Volgin: Hi, Boss. Welcome to Russia and my Unit! –hugs The Boss-

The Boss: Ew. –pushes him away-

Volgin: -opens boxes- Oooh. Nukes! Goody! –goes away with the nukes-

The Boss: Get Sokolov!!

Snakeman: Roger that!

Beeman: -summons bees to hold Snakeman-

Snakeman: Alley oop! -grabs Sokolov-

Snake: SOKOLOOOOOV!!! You'll pay, Boss!!

The Boss: OK. Pull the trigger then.

Snake: OK I will. -prepares to fire-

The Boss: HAYAYAYAHYWAWOOO!! -CQCs Snake off the bridge-

Snake: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!

Snakeman: The new blood has been rejected.

The Boss: He's still too young, too pure for us Cobras.

**On the helicopter….**

Volgin: -examining the Davy Crockett, reading instructions book- Hmm.

"Get nucular missile; Done. Put in hole; Done. Turn safety off; Done.

Fire missile;" OK here we go!

??????: What are you doing? Firing on your own men?!?

Volgin: Shut up! -fires missile-

ShoooooooooffffBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Riverbank…**

Snake: What the f- AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!


End file.
